Your Cup of Tea (From the Midnight Snacks Collection)

LATE LAST WEEK

Stu decided not to move forward with the assignment. What he was trying to figure out was what it would take to sustain his job at Corley Hines. He knew the role was going to have some tricky and questionable elements, but never imagined they would be of the strangely illegal and intrusive nature that they were.

He entered Bob’s office breathing a long sigh before he spoke, “I’m sorry, Bob. It’s just not my cup of tea. Give it to one of the other guys or Avilsen. I’m sure they can handle it. Speaking of Avilsen, you really should keep a closer watch on him. Some of his behavior seems questionable.”

Bob, disappointed in the reply, dished out an unexpected verdict to Stuart Lambert, one of the Special Services division’s newest employees, “I’m sorry to hear that, Stu. You had a good thing going here. I’m going to have to ask you to pack up. You just won’t take enough risks, and I can’t afford to keep employing such a passive employee.”

Fixated with always keeping up appearances and saving face, Stu accepted the verdict and didn’t try to fight any harder for his job at Corley Hines.

“I wish you would fight me on this more, Stu. You aren’t going to make it anywhere if you keep this up,” Bob challenged.

Stu replied in submission, “Thank you for the opportunity, Bob.”

Bob took a drink of his pulp filled orange juice and swished it through his teeth, “I guess you better get on then, Lambert. I’ll pay you through the end of the week. Godspeed.”

…

6 YEARS AGO

It started in the break room. Hank Avilsen walked in on Bob having one of his “detail disaster” moments. Bob was trying to clean the water calcium buildup in one of the water lines leading into the back of the Corley Hines commercial coffee pot. He had modified a pipe cleaner and wrapped lots of tape around it to try and remedy the issue, threading it through the clear rubber water hose that ran beneath the sink. He was aggravated and looked to be perspiring considerably.

After several minutes, Hank spoke up, “Bob, you know we can just order another hose from facilities. There’s no need for you to do that, boss. In fact, I think we may have a few extra in the cabinet over here. Let’s check and see.”

He pulled out a hose and handed it to Bob.

Bob seemingly dissatisfied with his subordinate, Hank, stormed out of the room and spoke angrily, “HERE…YOU change it out then… mister know it all.”

Hank interrupted, “Bob, you know I didn’t….”

“What will it take to get in Bob’s good graces? I can’t win,” he thought to himself.

…

PRESENT

Bob Helkins had managed the Special Service Division at Corley Hines for over 14 years. He had many employees come and go through the years, some voluntarily, others involuntarily. He always thought that he was a fair manager, but he had basic expectations to keep things in order. There were still those that tried to squeak by doing less than he wanted them to.

He never felt that he should have to spell out the job description to someone that had sought after and applied for a position on his team. They agreed to the terms and conditions when they elected to move forward with an offer. If they couldn’t read and understand the basics and adhere to them 90% of the time, they weren’t suitable for it. He measured this on his own terms, in a quite meticulous and extremely detail-oriented fashion.

…

Henry “Hank” Avilsen was a “yes” man. The work wasn’t something he was particularly proud of, or even advertised, but he was always trying to prove his importance to Corley Hines, a boutique business analysis firm in Bloomington, Indiana. It was still a struggle. Corley Hines services were broad and extensive and often required crossing legal and ethical boundaries. The Special Services division handled these jobs and the associated limit-stretching assignments exclusively. People across the organization speculated what tasks were being assigned, but the department’s privacy and secrecy remained top priority for multiple reasons.

…

Bob tried to bust the stress of his job in Special Services in whatever ways he could. Finding things that were untidy or not in order was an easy way for him to uncoil his tightly wound temperament and find inner peace. The only downside to these efforts was a potential loss of productivity during the working hours of the day. Some employees who had observed these quirks would intentionally mess things up just to throw Bob off. As a manager, he had the power to take corrective action on them but often didn’t. It seemed like most of the time, when they were out of line, something unfortunate would happen to the offenders, especially outside of Corley Hines. It was both a blind and a poetic justice which he strangely came to admire. He convinced himself they would eventually get what they deserved. It was a matter of fate and its timing. If he ever caught or suspected them to be in the act of disrupting his space, he questioned them to see if and how they would respond. It was at that point, he would then make the decision on how to move forward with their employment with the company. If they lied, he would usually give them a few weeks to see if something unfortunate would occur before terminating them.

…

9 MONTHS AGO

Former employee Arnie Delkinson woke up in the backyard of his property in agony. He had been drugged at a company function hosted in his home and woke up tied to the tree in only a pair of black shorts, exposing his skin to the elements. He and his wife, Eileen, didn’t realize that the Manchineel tree they had was extremely harmful and dangerous, but another from Corley Hines did. Though the troubled coworker was employed by the Special Services division, they had a Bachelor’s Degree in Botany that they would frequently lie about. The way they would do this was by telling everyone that they had a degree in business. The previous homeowner had the tree imported from Florida and put in to make them feel more at home as they liked the looks and aesthetics of it. Arnie and Eileen were none the wiser.

Eileen had left earlier in the day on a business trip and had gone out of town. It had been raining a lot, and the Manchineel tree’s milky sap had begun to seep all over Arnie’s skin while tied up. As it started to singe him, he began to get skin lesions and purple toned blisters. He was also losing his sight progressively, more and more by the minute. Whoever the creep was that had done this had intentionally left a cell phone on the ground just out of reach. As Arnie struggled to untie himself, he was able to finagle his way out and call 911 for help. He went inside the house, got dressed, and prepped to have some juice from the container that Eileen would typically put their SuperJuicer Juices into. These were always sourced directly from produce market fruit that she would pick up and make for the two of them. He poured a glass and began to sip on it. Unfortunately, Eileen hadn’t juiced this fruit. This was a special concoction of Manchineel tree fruit juice. The apple-like fruit that the Manchineel tree produced was indeed sweet at first, but quickly progressed to a tearing and burning sensation in his throat that he couldn’t seem to get rid of by drinking water. The bothersome sensation was worsening by the minute. Arnie was losing his ability to swallow. The ambulance arrived to his home. He didn’t answer the door. The paramedics burst inside to find him on the floor, shaking uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth. They tried to calm him and pump him with fluids. He could no longer see or speak. His ability to breathe was weakening by the second. He was rushed to an area hospital and stabilized but was left unable to communicate. Hopefully, Arnie would learn his lesson to leave Bob alone. He had taken off one of the wheels from Bob’s office chair, and this had made him collapse to the floor. Bob had injured his shoulder as a result.

…

5 WEEKS AGO

Corley Hines was the smoothest running organization in Bloomington. In fact, they hadn’t had a negative audit or report issue of note in fourteen years. It was obvious to all employees internally that Bob’s team had everything to do with this seemingly unblemished reputation. They were paid well to take care of the bad press--the work that no one else wanted to do, and any other necessary damage control. The organization’s regional reputation was essential to the commissions and bonuses that the staff had come to expect and depend upon at the end of each year. The executives didn’t ask very many questions. They only expected Bob and his team to keep the noise to a minimum and their names out of the press. That is, every executive except for Will Carney. Will didn’t like Bob. He really didn’t like him. He had come to his desk numerous times and “accidentally” spilled his drink all over the screen and the keyboard. He would occasionally rifle through Bob’s drawers and personal effects when he was not around and always seemed to leave something not quite the way it was. Will was just another typical self-entitled executive jerk overstepping his boundaries. This was, of course, noticed by some in the neighboring vicinity and certainly by Bob’s ever-active webcam.

…

Stu Lambert liked the office work. He liked Bob. He enjoyed the quirks of Corley Hines. When he received the report for his latest assignment, he struggled with it. He looked it over. He read it a second time and then a third time. He could not come to peace with it. As he approached Bob’s office, he prepared to inform him. He really wanted to please Bob, but the job wasn’t right, and they both knew it. Not only that, it was an unusual, strange, and illegal assignment.

ENTER THE HOME OF WILL CARNEY, MOVE THE SOCKS FROM THE SOCK DRAWER TO THE PANTS DRAWER AND HIS WIFE’S SHORTS INTO THEIR CHILD’S ROOM. POUR DISHWASHER LIQUID INTO THE AZALEA PLANT. DISSOLVE TOILET CLEANING TABLETS INTO THE TOP OF THE COFFEE MAKER. LEAVE A NOTE SAYING TO “LEAVE THINGS ALONE AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS… OR ELSE…”

…

4 MONTHS AGO

He did not confront Earl in the office. Instead, he trailed him out to roughhouse him anonymously. He always pictured it as a way of his testing the readiness of the Special Services division workers. Their position regularly required a certain amount of stealth, and if he could catch them this easily, they weren’t suited for the job. They were not always required to act in this capacity, but a portion of the job description absolutely required it. It was a way of protecting Corley Hines. There weren’t enough loyalists in the company anymore. He knew it wasn’t always his job to make these calls, but he felt that it was the least he could do to prove his worth. It was all for the sake of protecting Bob and getting even with the rest.

As he ran the car off the road, he hurled a bowling ball into the windshield of the gray Prius. The car spun out of control on highway 46 and into a small patch of overgrown water hemlock. “This is not the way to handle it, Earl. Don’t pick on Bob anymore, you ignorant imbecile.” He sped off from the scene where Earl was left in critical condition and just out of the line of sight of other cars passing by. When Earl tried to get out, he came in close direct contact with the plant. The cicutoxin had not gotten into his bloodstream as of yet. He dragged himself through a large patch of the water hemlock with the limited amount of energy he had left from the crash and collapsed completely surrounded by it.

He woke up, spitting it out as if it had been forced in his mouth while he was unconscious. He was vomiting and had involuntary muscle spasms that he couldn’t control. He tried to get to the road for help. His pulse was high, and he could not stop excessively salivating. The goal was to make Earl never test Bob again. Earl had gotten Bob’s pens and traded out the black ink for red ink. Bob did not use red ink and was strongly opposed to anyone who touched his office supplies. Earl was observed near his desk at the time. The webcam was activated, and Earl’s actions were confirmed remotely. It was exceptionally aggravating to him to see Bob being mistreated this way. He didn’t deserve this.

Later on, when Bob discovered this, Earl denied that he had anything to do with it and tried to pin it on Hank Avilsen. Bob knew this could not be the case with Hank. He was far too committed to the organization and the department to do such. He asked Earl a second time, and he lied again.

…

3 MONTHS AGO

A late 1980s model red Corolla began to head west to Belmont on highway 46. He knew the assignment was a tricky one. There wasn’t much background shared, but it was a matter of keeping Bob proud and protecting the Corley Hines reputation. As an organization, the boutique company “saved face” largely as a result of Bob’s overinvolved management style. Bob’s division monitored social media and the web with regularity for negative press or comments about the company and would send consultants from the Special Services division to address and enforce.

He arrived at the home of a former employee, Peter Jacobs. Peter’s outspoken videos and web blogs were circulating rumors about the “dirty laundry” at Corley Hines. Peter had run an ad in the local newspaper and attempted to expose all of the vulnerabilities of the organization. He swapped out the Tea Cabana package on the porch for a modified package, which he also marked Tea Cabana. Peter had never turned in his corporate laptop. He was technically there to try and collect it. He, Bob, and the Special Services division discovered that Peter was still using the company laptop for his web posting and blogs as a result of tracking software they had on the machine. Peter likely knew this, but didn’t seem to care. When they identified that Peter was a tea snob, Bob suggested a tea leaf modification. Peter had been caught drunk on the job many times. He would mix large amounts of strong liquor into his morning tea. They didn’t think Peter would check all that carefully before the arrival of his next fresh box of Tropical Treasure, which he religiously drank while in the office. The Special Services division concocted a tea using finely chopped oleander leaves. Corley Hines had special ordered the plant from a farm not far from the gulf shores of Orange Beach, Alabama. Bob’s team formulated 16 tea bags and recycled a Tea Cabana Tropical Treasure box. They emptied the existing tea pouches to replace them with their own concoction.

Peter Jacobs, 45, formerly clean-cut, was a bit of a special case for Corley Hines. Peter had worked for Bob in the Special Services division for about three years, but had begun to become very distrusting of the organization with time. His paranoia of the upper management looking to leave him without a job did exactly just that. His fear alienated himself from his colleagues until he was without a job. Bob did not want to put up with the theories and the related side-effects of “Crazy Pete” anymore. As seen on his most recent video blog, Peter’s appearance had changed drastically. The denim vest and overgrown, rust-colored, stringy hair appeared to have an unmistakably sticky and unwashed quality to it. All of this, combined with the unkempt mustache and unshaven face, did not look at all look like the man that Bob had hired. As “Crazy Pete” was finishing his latest live video blog on “The Darkest Secrets of Corley Hines…THE ONES THAT THEY WILL NEVER LET YOU KNOW,” he took a drink out of his steel-gray coffee mug and began convulsing on the video while the live video stream was still running. He was experiencing the side effects of acute cardiac toxicity from the oleander plant. He had gotten a little too confident in the shipping methods of the overnight Sublime Shipping that he had come to depend on to avoid shopping in stores as much as possible. As he had a small following of other disgruntled employees and former clients of Corley Hines watching in real-time, his untimely collapse was observed and reported rather rapidly.

…

In the times of late, Bob had deviated from his typical over-involved management style. He did not hand out all the assignments directly or even ask for details anymore. He had delegated much of the work distribution to Hank Avilsen. Hank had worked his way up to being Bob’s right-hand man about five years earlier. He had built a trust with Bob that wasn’t common to the other Special Services division members. He felt sorry for him. After Hank had carried out about 46 of the more difficult “unmentionable” tasks for Special Services, something deep within him started to break. Not only did he feel loyal, he felt indebted to Bob. He wanted to make himself indispensable, so he began taking out and damaging problematic people within Corley Hines.

…

EARLIER THIS WEEK

Up until recently, Bob didn’t realize that he had an artificial shield. He had always believed in fate and attributed the unlikely and untimely situations that would sometimes occur as a side effect of poor decisions. Stu had noted Hank’s rather unusual loyalty to Bob. He had previously tipped off the local authorities and Bob to keep him under close surveillance.

When Hank had been to Peter’s home, he noticed the DingDing Doorbell technology that was installed, but assumed his disguised appearance would be good enough. He didn’t realize the camera had a much wider angled lens that could see the entire driveway. Though he had made sure his face was obscured when dropping off the toxic box of tea, the red 1987 Corolla he drove was clearly visible on the DingDing Doorbell camera rather than the expected Sublime Shipping delivery truck. There were only eight of these vehicles registered in the county. By process of elimination, the Bloomington Police found the commonality in a string of bizarre situations to all be directly tied to Corley Hines and, more specifically, to Hank Avilsen. When they arrived at Avilsen’s home, he was found unconscious with a poison Manchineel apple, some water hemlock, and a teabag full of oleander on his person.

Bob Helkins had taken Stu’s assignment on himself after firing him. “TAKE OUT THE MAN ON 1314 CYPRESS LANE AND MAKE IT CLEAR HE IS THE GUILTY PARTY. MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE DID HIMSELF IN.” Bob had collected police reports on some of the bizarre “fated” happenstance occurrences of former Corley Hines staff and made sure that they were all clearly linked back to Avilsen. Police declared him guilty of the other related crimes because of the surrounding circumstantial evidence and dismissed the case. It was stated that he had ended it all with a significant ingestion of oleander tea. Bob had staged it perfectly and left the scene without a trace.

…

2 MONTHS LATER

Bob celebrates his 15th year at Corley Hines. His boss, Dale Hardin, comes into the room and offers thanks to him for another “perfect” year. It had been the most profitable year the company had ever had. Bob hands Dale a little jar of water hemlock and misidentifies it as tea leaves.

“It’ll make you feel like you’ve never imagined,” he said as he smirked.

He steeped what he thought was a bag of Tea Cabana Tropical Treasure tea into his coffee mug and took a large sip.

Avilsen had struck one last time from beyond the grave as Bob collapsed to the floor. Bob looked up to see Dale hanging up the sign for the company’s largest investor for the year, Tea Cabana. He breathed his last. Some of the oleander tea leftovers made for “Crazy Pete” had mistakenly ended up back on his desk mixed with his regular choice teas.

Dale looked down at Bob a little concerned, but joked sarcastically anyway, “I guess it just wasn’t your cup of tea, was it, Bob?”